Diary of a Mad Shingami
by Clopin K. Trouillefou
Summary: Rikku is a shinigami whose hear has become set on the unreachable, but she vows never to let anyone know the object of her desire is her own captain. But is it a vow she can keep when her heart wants what she cannot have?


_We are the caretakers of souls, the shepherds of lost spirits, guides to the underworld, vanquishers of poltergeists and all things that go bump in the night. We…are Soul Reapers, Death Gods, the Shinigami. We collect souls that have passed and lead them to the other world, disembodied spirits that could not find their own way and must be exorcized. Most are harmless, but some are not. Tortured spirits become what we call Hollows after death, preying upon other souls, their true identities hidden behind white masks. These must be cleansed before they can go on to the Soul Society, but they can only be cleansed of the sins committed after death, we cannot purge them of the sins committed in life. Only those with spiritual pressure, departed souls who had also passed form the mortal realm, can become Soul Reapers. We, like humans, lived and died in the mortal realm and came to the Soul Society where life continued for us. I daresay there are some who were born and raised in this world._

_So who am I? No one; I am only one of the countless Shinigami that live within the Seiretei and journey to the human world to perform our duties. I'm nobody… nobody special at least. I, like many others, was once mortal, a mere child when my time came and I was brought to the Soul Society by a Shinigami. He was like an angel when first I beheld him, with his raven locks kept in place by a hairpiece the likes of which I'd never seen. The piece, called _kenseikan_, showed his noble rank as the 28__th__ head of one of the Soul Society's most influential families, a family heirloom much like the scarf he wore about his neck. He was himself a young Soul Reaper then, not yet Captain but already the head of his clan as his parents had died. I never forgot that night when he came, those deep grey eyes serene though his face was rather impassive even as his deep soothing voice spoke the words necessary to send me on my way. _

_My name is Rikku, 6__th__ Division, my captain is the very Soul Reaper who came to me when I passed so long ago: Byakuya Kuchiki, and my lieutenant is Renji Abarai. I'm just a regular shinigami, but I have enough spiritual pressure to become at the very least an officer. A fact Renji continuously points out to me, if I would just learn to control my spirit energy. Not that I have an excess amount of it, it's just uncontrolled probably because of my lack of patience and quick temper. I don't really have any friends, well, except maybe Renji, though I generally get along well with a few lieutenants and captains. I attended the Academy around the same time that Renji and Rukia were there, I was maybe a year or so behind them so I didn't know them personally at that time. Do I have a crush on Renji? I'd say so, with his red hair and warm brown eyes and, oh, those tattoos. He's a rebellious type, my type of rebel, one who toes the line without actually going over it… most of the time. He's quick, witty, intelligent, talented and skilled, and he always knows how to make my day no matter how bad it is. He knows what it means to be a true friend who always sticks by you even though he can be a jerk sometimes. _

_Much as I like Renji and enjoy being around him, he doesn't make my heart race. Besides, I think he's still hung up on Rukia; the guy seriously just needs to make a move on her before that Ichigo-_ryouka_ does. He was cute, too, that guy, a lot like Renji but with shorter hair that was more orange than red. If anyone should've been called 'strawberry,' it should've been Renji. Handsome as my lieutenant is, though, I don't drool over the thought of seeing him naked and, though I've spared a glance or two, it's not him I turn to watch as he walks away. Besides, small as I am, can you imagine how awkward it would trying to kiss the guy? I've always had more of a thing for guys with light skin, dark hair, and lighter eyes, any way. Regal, polite, respectful even if the person he's addressing is like dirt under his feet, controlled, and calm. A man taller than me, but not so tall it'd be impossible to kiss him without him kneeling down, someone strong who can balance me out._

_It's my captain that makes my heart race every time he walks by, the few times he spares me even the briefest glance. I rarely speak to him, not so much because he's my superior, but because I'm incapable of speech when he's around. Each time he passes by, I can't help but stop and turn to watch him, even though that damn _haori_ of his blocks my view. I don't that I've ever looked him in the eye more because my eyes tend to give my emotions away and I would never want him to know how I feel. He was at one point married and his wife was dear to his heart so it was painful when she died and I honestly don't believe he ever truly moved past it. Besides he is a noble lord, the head of one of the most powerful families and what am I but a commoner, unworthy of him, his touch… his love. He broke the rules once by marrying a commoner, surely he would never do it again, especially for one so plain as I am. So the object of my desire is something that I can never have, like a distant star: beautiful, but never to be touched by one unworthy. That… is what makes my affection for him so painful._


End file.
